I fucking miss you. You’ve been gone six years now. As each year ticks by I’m getting more angry at you. I am so mad that you did not want to talk to your daughters while you were in the hospital. I am mad that you did not want us to come see you before you died. I don’t know why. Maybe you didn’t want to have to say goodbye to us again, like you did when you had your heart surgery in 2001. I guess that makes sense. It was one of the hardest times in my life, and I can only imagine being in your position saying goodbye to your child would have been worse.
I am mad that you have touched so many lives. I feel selfish because so many people that I consider family even if there is no blood shared between us say that they know exactly how I feel losing you. But that simply is not true. You did not help them up when they fell, you did not care for them when they were sick. You did not tell them that “Uncle” Michael beat up the Easter Bunny one Easter morning. You were MY dad. Not theirs. I’m not saying that they don’t feel your loss. I know that they do. But I feel that they are discounting my loss as a fleeting feeling. That you weren’t the man that shaped my very existence. Fuck those people. Fuck you.
I miss you, damn it. You will never hold your youngest grandchild. She is 16 months now. She will never know her Pop. Bear was 5 months old when you passed. She is 6 now. She still talks about you all the time. She still cries because she misses you. I still cry because I miss you. I cry when she cries.
How dare you leave us. How fucking dare you. You were supposed to live longer. You weren’t supposed to die in your 40s. You were supposed to die an ornery old man. You were supposed to be there for me. For us. We still had things to learn from you.
I am sorry, Daddy. I’m so sorry that when I became a mother I called Mom more often than I called you. I’m sorry Daddy. I don’t know if you thought I didn’t like you or if you understood that I was a new mom and that naturally made a new connection between Mom and I. I wish I could go back and talk to you more. I am so so sorry.
I just fucking miss you. I’m not over it. I will never be over losing you. I miss you more than words can possibly say. I cannot wait to see you again. Visit when you can. The girls miss you. I miss you.